Just Wondering....

Ok,so today I'm putzing around the net and having my breakfast when I saw this on one of our local news sites.Evidently there is a nudist colony not far from my house....now while that might seem like a pretty cool thing and you would think old Scout would be intrigued to at least stop bye and check the scenery out at this place (The White Tail Resort...nice)...uhm yeah,uhm no...

The pic above is from the record breaking skinny dip that the resort held the other day (must've been a slow news day). Oh and before I go any further...my wife might want to check and find out what my Father in Law was doing a few days back...check the dude out on the bottom right...I swear it looks just like him!!!HA!!

Anyhow,why is it all nudist colonies contain nothing but old couples and ugly people?? Dont believe me look at the pic above and the pics below...




















Seriously,I just dont get it...now I'm not asking for some model hot people,but for crying out loud,who wants to walk around and see some dude that looks like a prune,just all hanging out "Hey look at my 75 year old pecker!!"...instead of some chick looking like Ali Larter theres someone that looks like Kirstie Alley,or instead of someone looking like Daisy Fuentes (who still has it going on),theres someone who looks like Miss Daisy!! WTF??? Guess its just one of lifes mysteries,like the pyramids,crop circles,Tyler Perry's success....Now,scuse me while I email my Father in law...he's got some explaining to do!!

Thats What You Get!!

Ahhh,man I love this pic from Weird Science!! Anways the reason its posted is some lil jackass teenie bopper in NY was too busy texting while she was walking down the street that she didnt notice the big fucking open manhole in the street and fell into it!! WTF?? Look your a frickin 15 year old lil girl,and although this may be hard to believe...but your life isnt all that important,that you cant watch where the hell your going.

I mean,yeah the city workers that had turned around to get the cones to put around the hole,probably should have put the cones around,before they took the cover off...so as to prevent some self absorbed pretentious lil dipshit from being dumb enough to fall into the hole...but still for crying out loud,this is just retarded!! And what really makes it retarded is that even though the girl had nothing wrong at all with her afterwards,her money grubbing piece of crap parents are suing the city because of the "gross" factor. Give me a break.Lil girl thats what you get...too bad you got a lil bit of poo on your shoes...pay the fuck attention jack ass!!

Thanks for the Report Capt. Frickin Obvious!!!

So,I'm reading the paper today,and saw that some "research guys" have declared that they have come to the brilliant deduction that playing "active" video games i.e. games on the Wii that make you move,is healthier for you than sitting on your ass giving your thumbs a work out on the other systems.
WTF?? Really,come on,someone paid these fucktards money to do this "research"??Whats next ?? Are we going to get a report from some research group reporting that running with the bulls in Spain is dangerous (gee ya think?),or that eating Mcdonalds everyday is bad for you,or that swimming in shark infested waters is a bad idea,or maybe that having sex with Paris Hilton is a risk to your health (her ass ought to have a Surgeon Generals warning on it)... This is just silly ass shit!!

Dammit!!!

The Dallas Cowboys...ugh,being a football fan there is nothing in this world that I despise more than the Cowboys and their mostly hideous fans (thats saying something,if you've read my rants on Twilight and sorry ass Nickleback).

I wont go on a rant about the Cowboys or their ass backward fans...no I'm hear to declare my heartbreak over hearing about Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson breaking up.Its awful.

Heres the deal,and this is a known scientific fact. Three years ago Tony Romo was a nobody back up that looked like he was a pizza delivery driver more than a quarterback.Well things happened and he ended up taking over for Drew F*#@k Tom Brady" Bledsoe and actually was doing pretty awesome (unfortunately) with the Cowboys for about a year.

Then he met Jinxica...I mean Jessica,and his play took a noticeable slide. He still put up good numbers (if your a fantasy football dude or dudette...dont want to discriminate here) ,but he and the team just seemed mired in a funk.The curse really popped up its head when Dallas two years ago had played so well the whole season and had secured homefield for the NFC playoffs. I and the rest of the football world was dreading the thought of a Dallas appearance in the Super Bowl...not because of the thought of them winning the damn thing (the Pats would have killed them),but the thought of having to hear for the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl the bravado of the jack ass fans "How bout dem Cowboys!"..blah...it would have been hell on Earth.

Anyways I believe they had only been dating for a month or two,and well,after the regular season the Cowboys,being that they had won homefield,had the week off.Instead of prepping for the biggest game of his young career,the dude decides to head down to Mexico for some vacation and to stoop Jessica some (nothing wrong with the stooping,but dont do it in Mexico the week before the game)....anyways,the Cowboys lost the game,Romo sucked,and they havent been the same since.

And its been AWESOME!!

Well,somebody from the Cowboys organization,must have finally crunched some numbers and slapped ol' Romo in the head,because he evidently dumped the poor girl Friday,the night before her birthday...SHIT!! If he starts playing better it and the team starts winning the world will be a lot shittier of a place!!

I was hoping that those two would get married and Tony would eventually suck ass long enough to drag the Cowboys to total mediocrity and lose the job as qb of the team and end up opening Romo's Italian Eatery,while Jessica starred on bad reality shows,and they live happily ever after,and the rest of the Non Cowboy NFL fans could sleep well knowing we'd never have to hear another assinine statement from their dumbass fans... (I actually hate the fans more than the team)...shit somebody get these two on Dr. Phil...or that show with Dr. Drew...seriously they need to be back together!! KEEP THE CURSE ALIVE!!!

Hotness of the Week

Lawd have mercy!!! This is what I'm talking about right here!! This lil thing of hotness is what I call Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She has been in a ton of stuff,especially between 2005 and 2007...she was in the remake of Black Christmas (as stated before the hotness quotient in that flick was totally amazing),she was in Final Destination 3 (Haven't seen that one,loved the first one,the second opened with a bang literally,with a kick ass car accident,but sucked donkey balls after that),she was also in Grindhouse in the Tarantino part of the film Deathproof as a lil cutie actress that gets left as collateral with an inbred while her friends test out a badass ride.

And most recently,Timothy Olyphant tried to kill her because she was Bruce Motherfuckin Willis's daughter in the last Die Hard.

She is absolutely adorable...she's like a lil fuzzy bunny that you just want to pick up and cuddle in your arms for a few hours!!!

Her next role is going to be starring as the object of Micheal "I'm playing the same dude from Superbad in every movie since" Ceras in something called Scott Pilgrim v. The World.It could be pretty funny,its directed by Edgar Wright who did one of my Top 10 flicks Shaun of the Dead!!

Enjoy this lil southern belle (she's from North Carolina) in all her astounding hotness!!

Not So Thrilling

Ok,so this will be my last thing about Michael Jackson....but I just saw that Cali "bail our asses out please Obama"fornia just spent 1.4 million the other day on that memorial service. Look if the state is sacrificing jobs in the school systems because they dont have money,maybe,just maybe they shouldnt be spending 1.4 million on a guy a few weeks earlier,they were thinking of him as"Michael Freakass Jackson". I've got no problem with the memorial if they can afford it,but I think that somebody needs to get their priorities straight in Cali...

Stupid Scouts Top 10 Films of His Time (because thats what matters...hehehe)

Well,still have a few more hours at work to kill (hate working late nights),and I dont have a damn thing to do...so I figured you know what,every asshole with a blog of some type has all types of opinionated "top this top that" for all kinds of stupid shit,and not just films...but anything really...so I figured what the hell.I'll do my top films (i.e. favorite films of all time). Now this doesnt mean they have to be Oscar worthy or award worthy.No...these are the types of movies,that you can watch over and over again without ever being tired of them.So if you dont agree with my choice,then bugger off,I dont care,these are just my opinion,and everyones got one,so what the hey,cut me some slack....

so here we go....

10...

The Ring and Boogie Nights- Ok so I hate starting off with a tie,but I went over and over with these two and they both fit into my category of just loving them too much and I cant get enough of either flick,so I couldnt get myself to drop one out.

The Ring is phenomenal and to be honest is my favorite horror flick of the past decade so far.It is a remake and actually was probably the reason that this whole dreaded remake bs started in the horror genre this decade...sigh.But this is an awesome flick.I have seen the Japanese remake,and though thats the original,and it is creepy and well done.I think the U.S. remake is actually superior. The impending doom feeling that just envelopes this movie is just awesome.It does what a horror movie is supposed to do...and thats creep you the fuck out!!

Boogie Nights- This is the flick that really got things going for Mark Wahlberg and also Don Cheadle (who is actually awesome in this...I could watch the dude make a sandwich...just an awesome actor),it also has John C. Reilly (half of Shake and Bake...hehe) throwing in some well timed comedic parts (and this is waaaay before anyone thought of him as being good for comedic roles),and its got Heather Graham in her BEST role ever as Roller Girl...if her nude scene doesnt get ya going,you need to see a doctor!! Phenomenal!!! Oh and it has Burt Reynolds in his last really good role.Between the great acting,the awesome 70's-80's soundtrack,and the memorable scenes,I can watch this all the time,except for the very ending (which I still have only watched just the first time,the other 20 I end it before that) if you've seen the flick you probably understand!! But just a cool ass flick!!

9.

Shaun of the Dead- I wish this movie had came out while I was in college!! This is the type of flick you sit with your buds either after before going out on a weekend and getting drunk and what not or after the partying when you all want to watch some funny ass shit!! This movie is frickin great!! They have the perfect blend of comedy and zombie stuff to keep anyone satisfied.This is the type of flick that you'll notice something new everytime.

8.

28 Days Later- Man I LOVE this and its sequel...hell you could almost combine the two and just have it be one fricking movie.If you are one of the few who doesnt know much about this flick,its directed by Danny Boyle who just won an Oscar for Slumdog Millionaire.This is the flick that introduced running zombies,which to me a fricking waaay scarier than lumbering zombies...a lot more intense,its because of this flick that sooo many zombie movies have been coming out,heck if it wasnt for this flick there wouldnt probably be the awesome Dawn of the Dead remake.Very cool ass pic!!!

7.

Scarface-Man back in college we used to watch this bitch every weekend almost,Pacino is soooo badasss in this flick.This movie has soooo many memorable scenes and quotes...Its so memorable that quotes from the movie are still used a ton nowadays...and not just by rappers!!If you dont like this flick,you dont have balls!!!

6.

Old School- I just watched this for the umpteenth time,this is my FAVORITE Will Ferrell role ever (And I love most of the dudes roles,but Frank the Tank is awesome!!!). Everyone in this flick is on the A game.Its ridiculously funny. Its by the guy who also did The Hangover (which might eventually pop in my Top 10 after some time).Awesome fun!! Your my boy Blue!!

5.

Seven- "Whats in the box??!!" nuff said.....

4.

Swingers- Man,this flick,just thinking of certain scenes make me chuckle.If your a guy,theres a lot that you can relate to in this flick.This is the movie that really got the ball rolling for Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau. They'd been in other stuff before hand,but this is what made them "the big winners".This movies soo money and it doesnt even know it!!

3.

Dazed and Confused- Alright,Alright,Alright....S.O.S to Richard Linklater (the director of this epic),please go get Matthew McConaughey and rescue him from chick flick hell!! Seriously he is frickin hilarious in this film as the older loser hanging out with the high school kids.The older he gets,they stay the same age...yes they do...(HA).Anywasy Mr. McConaughey please find your mojo...please!! I know your making tons of cash playing stupid in flicks with Kate Hudson and stuff,but dude,you are awesome in this flick...you were Wooderson!! Please find yourself an ensemble adult comedy,either done by Mr. Linklater,Judd Apatow,or Todd Phillips and just bring back the funny!!

This movie was made in 93',but it captures the era its set in so well (1976) that it almost feels like its from that time.With a kick ass soundtrack and a bunch of actors that are recognizable,including Benny Affleck....this was MY College movie!!

2.

Alien-

I know lots of people believe that Aliens is superior to this...but I say no way,thats more of a popcorn flick,this is more of a creepy,almost haunted house type flick,this The Ring and my #1 flick all have that forboding shits not going to end well feeling to them.I love the Alien creature itself.I think its the baddest ass creature ever!! I enjoy basically all the Alien movie (the first 3 the most),and even enjoy AVP for what it is,but man I HATE AVPR..man fuck that movie!! That flick was sooooo frickin dark,you could barely see the Aliens...hello the creatures are black in color,you cant have them in rainy pitch black shots the whole movie!! That movie made me understand how Stevie Wonder would feel like being at a movie!! I ADORE this film!!!!

1.

Ta da!! - The Shining- Yeah I've heard people who claim not to like this because its doesnt really follow the book...but you know what?? I dont give a shit,its not like I'm going to read some thousand page book anyways...look this is the creepiest frickin movie I have ever watched,and it doesnt get old...this bitch is almost 30 years old and I never get tired of it after probably watching a billion times.This movie is sooo well textured and shot beautifully,and the acting is sick...this is Nicholson at his bat shit craziest!! And those frickin twins...jeez!! I want a copy of this movie buried with me when I die!!! AWESOME from the opening shot!!!

PS- I would like to throw a bone out to two other favs of mine that I just didnt have room for- Jaws and Halloween...they'll turn up if I ever do a top 10 horror list...

What say you??

Yippee Ki Ai Mother Fu*#er!!!

Its time to get motherfuckin John Mcclain (aka Bruce motherfuckin Willis) on the phone!! Just read that those crazy lil fuckers in North Korea were responsible for cyber attacks on U.S and South Korean government websites...ok,this is a little too close to the last Die Hard flick,so help me God if frickin Justin Long has anything to do with this crap...he's going down.And someone needs to find Timothy Olyphant also (I know my wife would like that job)...theres no word of his involvement in this crap but I wouldnt put it past that crazy ass Kim Jong Il to have watched that movie and kidnapped Mr. Olyphant and demanding the poor guy "You Do EET NOW!! Just Like In Da MOOVIEE"(thats my North Korean accent)...Seriously its time somebody put a cap in that lil dudes head!!And Bruce is the man to do it...to coin a phrase from one of my all time fav movies "theres two things Bruce came do...that was kick some ass and drink some beer....and he's almost out of beer"









Crazy lil fucker!!!

Thriller

Ok,so I'm not trying to be a sarcastic A Hole about this...but it might be the best career move Micheal Jackson has had since 1983 by dying a few weeks ago.I know that sounds awful,and I dont mean to sound mean spirited.But think about it for a second...The dude wasnt selling squat here in the states any longer (Yes I know he was still hugely popular in Europe,but so is the band Live...so thats not saying much).

Anyways,before he passed away,he was an afterthought here in the U.S.,and he was kind of a butt to a lot of jokes still.But most of this country couldnt have cared less about him prior to June 25th (this is kind of sad,but its true,just think about it). You couldnt hardly find a MJ fan anywhere around,and now all of a sudden their coming out of the closet (hehe) ... I mean my gosh he's probably sold more albums in the last two weeks than the man has sold this past decade.

Oh,and all those people who are all of a sudden MJ fans from way back...PLEASE!! People I'm calling shenanigans on all your asses!!! Look I know theres a decent amount of real fans out there and for them I'm sorry their idol passed away,but the rest of these fuckers who all of a sudden act like they own every motherluvin album of his,and are overloading L.A today I'm calling bullshit!! They are just trying to be a part of hype and the circus that is going on in L.A.

I read at lunch today,people are trying to sell tix that they won through a free lottery to attend the memorial they were trying to sell on Craigslist (huh,I thought that was just for sexual deviants) and Ebay...thats pathetic,the only people that should be going to the memorial should be the actual fans,not people trying to make a buck.

To Micheal Jackson and his fans,I'm sorry that he passed away,and may he rest in peace,meanwhile the posers after today can go back to listening to Akon or Nickleback or whatever the hell it was they were "fans" of before two weeks ago.

Oh and its sad how the same media who chased him out of the country a few years ago and made him look like a loopy perv are cannonizing him now....just sad...if they felt like this before June 25th,they should have been treating the dude like this before he died.

I just hope the Jackson clan doesnt try to milk his passing away to make a buck down the road....

Big Disappointment!!

Well,this morning we had the morning news on while getting ready to drag our butts to our crap ass jobs for the day,when I noticed they had a piece about Mickety Mack Daddy Governor Sanford on there this morning. Yeah the story is a bit old,but what got my attention was that they had a pic of the chick he's been boinking for over a year....and man is it a HUGE disappointment!!!

Ok...first off,shes not awful looking,but dude your a frickin Governor,when I hear about you stooping some South American chick,I get visions of a Salma Hayek/Shakira (tasty!!) exotic looking chick. I mean really!! Dude your on tv and stuff you can pull better stuff than this!!

Seriously,what is it with these politicians?? I think the last one that pulled some astronomical looking tail was like 20 years ago when Gary Hart had his thing on that sail boat with that chick Donna Rice has any of these guys gotten anything good.

Think about it....your a dude that has everything on the line,your marriage,money,fame,and your possible future advancement in the political field,and your gonna risk it all for a chick that looks like you could have picked her up at happy hour at TGIFridays. It just seems stupid.

And its been going on for a long while,you had ol horndog Bill Clinton,trying to bang every piece of tail from Arkansas to D.C.,and the ones he was busted with (Jennifer Flowers and Monica Blowinski..hehe) werent anything to write home about either (Bill likes them a lil on the chubby side),and he risked his Presidential career...I just dont get it.

I'm just thinking,if your going to risk EVERYTHING,it should be some girl that EVERY dude in America wants to see butter ball naked!! So to any other politicians who are having affairs (probably about 75% of them) ,Either for the love of God stop having affairs and being caught,or if your going to risk it all step up your game!!!

Ouch!!!

So,I've been M.I.A the last few days because of the holiday weekend and stuff.I was going to write yesterday,but I have had the worst sinus headache crap that I think I've ever had the last couple of days.I mean just awful...the kind that makes you wanna say cut my head off and put it in deep freeze Ted Williams style till the frickin headache goes away....Anyways the pressure was so bad I felt like my head looked like this....

By the way what the hell is this shit?? My wife was kind enough to show me this mess over the weekend...evidently in Japan its the new "fad" to inject a buttload of silicone in your head..it lasts only 24 hours.but seriously how the hell is this safe...also why the hell would you want to look like the elephant man?? I mean look at the retard on the right and look at the pic of the Elephant man (ok so its not the best pic of the dude but give me a break,the dude died like 120 years ago),but really look at the two,all the bagelhead dude needs to do is slobber a bit and say "I am not an animal"...just some dumb shit.

The original Bagel Head!!!

Hotness of the Week

SHAZAM!!! So,I figured I'd go ahead and do my favorite bit of the week a little early this week because with the holiday weekend and stuff I probably wont have time or feel like writing anything.Plus I dont have crap to do at work right now...so what the hell...

This lovely thing of hotness is Julianna Guill. She hasnt been in a ton of stuff yet,but she is probably best known as the "perfect nipple placement" girl from the Friday the 13th remake (if you've seen the movie you'll know what I mean).

Friday the 13th is the only horror flick she's been in...but man oh man what a scene she had in it!! Make ya wanna slap your grandma!!

She's also been in that comedy Fired Up,that looks funny,just havent gotten around to it...and she was also evidently on some eps of one of my wifes favorite shows One Tree Hill...so as you can tell she is just starting out.

But she's got a lot going on...she's got an adorably cute face,a kick ass bod,and she aint scared to get nekkid!! So she has lots of potential!!!

So heres to perfect nipple placement!!!

Happy Fourth of July to everyone and dont burn anything down with fireworks,because you were in a drunken stupor and it seemed like a great idea to play with that bottle rocket in the backyard after a fifth of vodka and a 12 pack of brew!!

Enough With Gay Vampire Crap!!!

Well,I've tried to put off any rants about something that has become one of the things I despise more than anything else on this mother f'in earth (even more than Nickleback!!)...but I cant take it any longer!! Fuck Twilight!! And all this gay looking vampire bullshit!! Seriously look at the dude to the leftt!! The dude looks like he just wants to run or maybe skip home and watch "What Not To Wear" immediately...Whats with this crap??


And dont even get me started on that no talent skank that plays the lead in that flick...that girl looks the same all the time...like she's sucking on a lemon or like she's taken a crap in her pants!!
Every movie that I have seen her ass in she acts the same,she just mopes around,the whole time in every damn movie...Seriously a one note chick!!Homegirl you suck!!
Really,if you watch Twilight,your either in one of three categories...you either have a vagina,your gay,or your dragged to the fucker by your wife who naturally falls into the vagina category (in theory at least).... And I'm not trying to be a homophobe or anything but,seriously take a look at the dude again,then look at this gay ass shit to the right...



Gay!!!

Supposedly this pic is for the new sequel some bullshit called New Moon...look at these fuckers,I'm surprised they arent all lathered up in baby oil and wearing leather and shit...They are "supposedly" werewolves...I didnt know werewolves formed boy bands..wonder which one is supposed to be the "bad" boy band member??

All I'm trying to say is that this crap is awful...homoerotic bullshit...it makes the Anne Rice stuff look straight....Ok I gotta simma down,I really didnt want to have to write about this today,but I really couldnt think of anything else to write about today and its been a long ass day,and I'm bored and this frickin shit pisses me off everytime I see pics of Mr. "I'm so misunderstood I just want to crawl into bed and listen to my Cure and Smiths cd's and wear black all day" and that damn fag hag...ugh...
Oh and of course because of this bullshit,theres more gay emo vampire shit on the way....YEAH!! The CW has some crap called The Vampire Diaries coming out this Fall...its supposedly more teen angst vampire bile...I'm sure they'll be some more Twilight wannabes coming out at the theaters soon enough also,pushed towards The LOGO/HG Network dudes,and mini van driving soccer moms and 14 year old girls everywhere!!
I just miss the good old fashioned scary ass bad ass vampires that wanted nothing more than to bite your head off...at least True Blood (which I dont watch,but have seen commercials for) doesnt have the gayness in it...kind of hard to have gayness in a show set in the deep south (unless its Deliverance)...man I hope its true that there is a sequel to 30 Days of Night...Now that flick brought the scary vampires!!With my luck though it'll be set in San Francisco...sigh...I'm sure I'll be writing more about this shit...supposedly theres another one coming after this bullshit in November...great..

FUCK TWILIGHT AND ALL THE FUCKERS WHO LIKE IT!!


To be continued!!

Sh*tting at Work stinks!!!

I'm still at work today...sigh the damn day is dragging like a mofo....anyhow...my office has two small bathrooms one upstairs where yours truly is and one downstairs where all the women co workers are supposed to go.

Well let me tell ya something...I'm getting really frickin irritated today because the women who work upstairs with me are being lazy ass wenches and using the bathroom upstairs...hey thats all well and good if its for #1...fine...but jeez,when the group of you order greasy ass Pizza Hut for lunch and are feeling the after effects (and evidently its all of them...there is a line of woman at the bathroom door like its a frat party's bathroom)...for crying out loud use the bathroom that your supposed to use!! Its disgusting,and look I'm a compassionate SOB (My wife would disagree),I understand people have emergencies come up in the work place and gotta go when they have to go....but damn when there are 5 of you,all eating the same shit,and you all are like seagulls when it comes to certain foods (either dont eat the crap at work,or use the other bathroom).

I just cant take it today.Its just nauseating!! The upstairs just smells like bad air freshner mixed with crap...Great Caesars Ghost I cant take it!!

Sorry to vent...but thank goodness its like 3:30 and I only have one more hour to go in this bitch (fuck yeah!!)

Al Sharpton Signs Deal To Be Spokesman For Jenny Craig!!

When the hell did this happen??A little while ago I was at lunch chilling with my usual crackers and tuna (exciting stuff I know) and reading my beloved USA Today when I noticed in the Life section another article about Micheal Jackson (something tells me the media is going to drive this into the ground as badly as they have been doing with those fuckers John and Kate)...anyways I was flabbergasted when the caption for the picture above the article stated that it was Al Sharpton with Joe Jackson ...I had been wondering why Morgan Freeman was doing a press conference with the Jacksons...ooops!!

So after I wiped the wall off from me spitting my tuna and crackers all over the wall from yelling WTF?? I ran back to my computer to verify that this wasnt a misprint....and damn if it wasnt!!When the hell did that little fat bastard lose all that weight?? Anyhow good for you Al Sharpton!! And glad to see that you got rid of the 1970's wavy James Brown perm that you have been sporting for the last 35 years!!

PS- I know she's not in your demographic...but can you contact Kirstie Alley...She could use the help!!

Whats The Point??

I just saw on the news that that asshole Madoff got 150 years in prison...my question is why the hell do they have to put a cap on the years...I mean 150 years...really?? The dude isnt fricking Gandolf and shit and going to be living to be 700 years old or anything..why not just say that he's going to be in jail till his ass is dead?? Lets be realistic here people,150 years is bullshit... Look at the fucker he's old...he's only got another ten to fifteen years left before he keels over anyways.

Plus you know damn well the dude is going to be hanging in a white collar prison watching satellite tv and chilling till he croakes...screw that put that bitch in a hardcore prison with a big mean black dude named Tyreek,who'll trade his little lilly white ass for some cigs...hell let him get some man love "Oz" style and sit there while he's choking on some big black dudes c*ck and know that he isnt ever getting out!!!THATS WHAT YOU GET!! Of course thats in a perfect world and he isnt going there....sigh...

At least the worlds a little bit better with this creep locked away for the rest of his miserable life!! The next time anyone sees him outside of some prison walls he's gonna look like this!!

Put A Bullet In My Frickin Head!!!

Sooo,last night I truly experienced hell. You can have frickin Vietnam,time in prison,serving in Iraq/Afghanistan,being held captive by crazy ass head chopping islamic terrorists,being married (kidding)....anyways last night,I looked into the eyes of Satan himself and almost didnt make it!!

Last night I had to go to visit my senile grand mom at her retirement community...ok,no big deal,say hi,have a few drinks,listen to the same old stories about when you couldnt wipe your own ass and smile, and eat,and be done with it right?? WRONG!!!

So at this retirement community they have a little area that they have a happy hour and musical entertainment (sounds harmless enough)...After last night,I'd rather have someone put bamboo shoots up my ass than experience that again.

I knew I was in trouble the moment we walked up to the door of the place...now keep in mind,my wife and I had been at Grandmoms for 45 minutes already waiting on my parents to show up...and look I know my Grand Mom isnt the sharpest tack in the shed any longer and I understand that she has some issues,but Christ on a bike!! We must have heard over and over again about how she had a funeral she had had to sign up for to attend (8 times) and did we want anything to drink (12 times),and how often one of my Aunts calls and checks on her (for the record,she calls at least every day once,but maybe more than that depending on whats going on...that was repeated 15 times!!)....I will say that by the time the 45 minutes had passed my wife was huddled in the corner like a dog scared of a bad storm...mumbling to herself irrationally about bats and shit,and I had found my grandpops old shotgun and was rigging it to the bathroom door so as to blow my frickin head off....

So back on the subject of this said happy hour...as I stated above I knew I was in trouble when we are walking into the place and there were like 20 jazzy's and walkers outside the door...man I was stoked!!!

There is like wall to wall old people sitting around getting blitzed (kind of looked like a scene from Soylent Green),oh remember the part in the Shining where Shelly Duvall is running around the hotel and runs into the ballroom and screams because she see all the corpses sitting in there?? Well that was happy hour!! And there is some younger guy (compared to the rest of the old coots) plays piano and sings a bunch of songs from like 1930 (never heard any of them,except the theme song from The Bad News Bears...but they said its called the Overture of 1812 or some crap like that),well he was nice enough to point me and my wife out of the crowd (thanks a lot asshole!!) and he kept asking some questions that I was like just thinking to myself...dude just go away,I dont even want to be here dude!!

My wife is under the table by now shitface after drinking 5 double shot rum in cokes in 15 minutes and she has the table cloth over her head and sounds like that lil gay dude Chris Crocker just screaming "Just Leave Us Alone!!" And this dude starts playing the most godawful elevator version of the Beastie Boys you'll ever hear!!! All this is going on while my Grandmom has been repeatedly over and over telling me how the place wasnt that bad and there werent that many old people there.... and all I could do was smile a fake smile and grind my teeth,and wonder if it really would hurt to stab oneself in the eye with a dessert knife....

SOOO...Finally happy hour ended and it was dinner time!! Only an hour to go!!! Well this is when "Bitchy" Grandmom made an appearance (my wife would say that there isnt any other type). We had just been seated and my Grandmom had just stated that it felt sooo nice in there...two seconds later she is screaming at the top of her lungs over and over again how its too damn cold and she doesnt like it and she's gonna move!! (KAWW!!)...The servers are trying to be comforting to her and Grandmom starts wondering around the dining area looking for the perfect table....finally she found one,and went and had the tables rearranged.

Now by this time I'm sooo ready to get the fuck out of there....Everyone orders steak....I try to eat a 12 oz steak in two bites...Grand Mom complains some more about the steak and that no one washes their hands in food prep and that she saw the server hocking up loogies on the food....sigh...

We finally finish eating and the server asks if we want dessert?? (Hell Fuckin No!!!) And the wife and I peel the hell outta there....Grandmom probably has already forgotten that we were there...so that means I'll get a call in about two days from here asking if we want to come down to happy hour because we would really like it if we went....

Oh and as an added note I think my Dad hanging around my Grandmom has some of her senility rubbing off on him...because after about 45 minutes...he was saying "huh" and repeating stuff he had just said over and over and over and over and over again....

So the moral of the story is this ,if you have the choice of locking yourself in your garage with your car running and choking on carbon menoxide,or having a "lovely time with the Grandmom at happy hour"...go with the garage!!!

Hotness of the Week

So this weeks Hotness of the Week is Briana Evigan. Yowsa,Yowsa,Yowsa!! She is really popping up in a lot of stuff lately.Shes starring in Sorority Row that comes out September 11th....and boy does that movie bring the hotness!! There is like nothing but phenomenally hot chicks in that movie!! Actually there might be a record of hotness in that movie!! I'm trying to think of another flick that brings the hotness like this flick,and the only one I can think of was the remake of Black Xmas....and I think this one has it beat!!! Shes also in the killer kitty (errr...I mean killer tiger flick) Burning Bright that looks pretty intense and she was in S. Darko,the sequel to Donnie Darko,that actually doesnt look that bad,if you liked Donnie Darko (its an aquired taste,great soundtrack though!!).

Oh and she first grabbed my attention in the flick Step Up 2...and no I never saw the flick,but if you saw a movie at the theaters right before it came out in 2008,then you definitely saw the previews (which basically went on for like 20 minutes) that kind of showed the whole flick!! But there were a couple of scenes in the previews of her that would just make a man (and some women if you swing that way...and theres nothing wrong with that) exclaim...HAMBURGER!!! To quote the best part of the previews from Step Up 2 "She has more god given ability than anyone I've ever met!!" But I'm typing this with a seriousness that overemphasis what I'm typing,kind of like the stupid actor who said it in that piece of crap...ehhh...but she is HOT!!!

R.I.P Micheal Jackson

Alright,so I've never been a huge Micheal Jackson fan...I'll admit that I did as a 12 year old kid go nuts for Thriller just like every other kid in my sixth grade did.But after that his music just never recaptured that feeling of 83' and he just got weird.Its sad that his last 15 years or so,he didnt really release much music and ended up having to leave this country because of legal issues (which I'm not going to discuss).Anyways the dude was an icon for many and deserves the respect to acknowledge and appreciate what he did.

Now that being said.I was really appalled at the piss poor coverage being done by MTV and the other music channels. I mean they had a nice little MTV News broadcast where they actually had an appearance by Kurt Loder (remember him??) and they seemed to actually act like they were going to have a nice tribute to him...but that lasted just long enough for them to get to their umpteenth reality show of the day 16 and Pregnant.

Sigh,so let me get this right MTV...a musical legend,who coincidentally pretty much made MTV into the monster phenomenon that it was in the 80's passes away,and thats the best you can do?? Thats ass!!! It just goes to show you how crappy MTV has gotten...hell and the sad thing is they werent the only one doing it,VH1 which you would figure if MTV isnt showing anything would have plenty,had some bullshit reality show on also.

All I'm saying is...Look MTV you used to be this really cool ass channel that showed music videos and introduced the world to musicians who you wouldnt ever see...and would have all kinds of information on upcoming albums and tours and stuff.If you wanted to see what was going on in music,you put it on MTV.Now ever since that goddamn Real World came on 17 years ago with all those whiny bitches on there,MTV has gradually gotten to where they pretty much could give a rats ass about music and just wanna show stupid ass people doing stupid ass shit.Its sad.

Let me put it this way...I almost wouldn't be surprised if that dumb no talent chick Lauren from whatever that dumb show is called..The Hills?? Anyways if she got hit by a bus tomorrow Final Destination style (if you've seen the movie you know what I mean),MTV would be running a non stop 48 hour The Hills marathon...but fuckin Micheal Jackson dies and his tribute gets kicked off the air to show a dumb 16 year old whore who couldnt keep her legs closed shop at Walmart for diapers???WTF???

All I'm saying is that look the dude deserves a lot better than that by the channel he frickin basically made.

Rest in peace MJ.

A Strip Mall Is Not a Town Center!!

So,in my area where I live the big thing is all our little yoohoo towns have decided to have these things called Town Centers. Now I'll be the first to say that I love the idea of having a Town Center because it gives you a bit of a night life where there wasnt squat before.They bring in tons of cool bars and restaraunts that you wouldnt ever have if not for these things...and where we live a lot of the cities are really basically glorified suburbs,and if not for these things,there wouldnt be a ton to do.That is if they are done right.

About 3 or four cities had decided to do Town Centers when the municipality that I live in decided to jump on the bandwagon....I was all excited,because I figured...hell I wont have to drive but 5 minutes to actually be able to do something!! Sigh...so unfortunately,my city has decided to put their Town Center behind a Target.

Thats not the only problem with this thing.The good Town Centers in the area are like being in an actual downtown.With nice towering condos and hotels surrounding the restaurants and bars.Well because they put our Town Center behind a Target on some wasteland that nobody else wanted...they have a glorified strip mall. I'm not lying...the pic above isnt the exact Town Center pic,but its basically identical to it. Its ridiculous.

The other places you can say to the lil lady..."hey why dont we go to so and so Town Center and hang for a bit" and you could spend a few hours there.At this f*#ker you go over two speed bumps and your done with it....

Its awful....

So a note to any municipality officials who are thinking of jumping into the Town Center craze...please remember that a Moes,and two crap stores,and two haircut places and a 7/11 do not make a Town Center...might as well be living in Mayberry....

Sanford Likes The LATINO HEAT!!!

Well,not to stay on one topic,but this Sanford dude (aka Dipshit,aka Dumbass) is cracking me up...evidently they are releasing emails from this dude to his lil hot tamale. Seriously dude just go ahead and put your mouth on the nozzle now jeez...anyways this dude just was putting the serious blast on this chick (someones gotta find a pic of this chick)...heres one of his emails...

"Two mutual feelings...You have a particular grace and calm that I adore.You have a level of sophiscation that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses,or that I love your tan lines or the curve of your hips ,the erotic beauty of holding you holding yourself (or two magnificient parts of yourself) in the faded glow of nights light- but hey that would be going into sexual details..." I hear ya playa!!!!

In other news,its being reported that R Kelly has been in contact with Mr. Sanford about doing a collaboration for Mr. Kelly's followup to his next album "I Like em Young"

Dumbass!!!

Color me intrigued with this SC Governor....ok the man is a dipsh*t for not being less conspicuous with his little disappearing act that he did. I mean your the damn Governor of a State,you dont think people would wonder where the hell you were???

And its not like you are some Governor who nobody has ever heard of....like the frickin Governor of North Dakota or something....NOOO!! You've been busy stomping your feet and appearing all over the place criticizing President Obamas policies and such...heck evidently you are (uhm change that to were) going to be a leading candidate for the Republican nomination for 2012 (Geez that would've really just continued the Republicans hot streak...hint of sarcasm there,cant wonder why that Party keeps losing elections lately)...Dude you cant just disappear and get away with it,your not some moron working an everyday job,who doesnt do anything all day but surf the internet and write on his stupid blog that nobody reads (ahem..).

Just an idiot!!

Now that being said,I will give the guy props...His wife has known about this thing for 5 months and was evidently cool with him flying down to Argentina to get his groove on with some hot spicy lil latina momma,heck she was covering for him!!! Good Job!!!

***Disclaimer- The last paragraph on this blog does not reflect the feelings of this Blogs Owner in any way shape or form.... Love ya huun : )

North Korea is F@*KIN NUTS!!!

I just had to get that out there...I mean what is it with these little bastards?? Hell they dont even have Russia or China backing them (heck I think both of them are a bit scared of the lil f*#kers crazy asses also!!)...So their saying their going to obliterate us??? Kim Jong Il has some very serious short man syndrome!!!

Frickin the dudes from South Park are frickin Nostradamus like with this crap...they predicted all this mess with Team America 4 years ago!!! Kim Jong Il and all those crazy lil nuts are in for a world of hurt...seriously dude,just because when your nude your wife confuses you for a girl doesnt mean you need to have your country end up getting annilihated because of your personal problems...just go simma down some,have a brew and look at some porn...you'll feel better dude!!

Rebecca Gayheart Smokes Crack Not Pole!!!

Back in the day I used to LOVE me some "lil Ms. Noxzema Girl" Rebecca Gayheart...I mean she used to be on everything on tv back when I was in college and in the late 90's once I was all growns up, she was appearing in some flicks I liked like Urban Legend and Scream 2...and so on...dont know what it was about her...I think it was that she was so extremely cute and had a kickin little southern drawl!!

Anyhow I'm here at work doing what I mostly do during the day...looking at bullsh*t on the internet (oh come on like you all dont do it a lot too!! Probably doing that sh*t right now!!)...well anyways,I came across something about Rebecca Gayheart having pics of her naked in a tub (with which I immediately tried to google),so unfortunately instead of some hotness...I can only see some BS of a broad who I guess is Ms. Gayheart in a tub with another chick smoking a crack pipe (she a crack ho!!).

Talk about a big disappointment...

So this explains what the hell ever happened to her!! Oh and by the way taking a look at the fricking Enquire cover..can someone please for the love of God steer Kirstey Alley away from the Chinese Food Buffett and towards a Jenny Craig Store ASAP!! She is MASSIVE..she'll have to start using a tent for a moo moo soon!! JEEZ!!!

Man Boobs

Why dear lord why do us guys have to deal with the dreaded "man boobs"??? I mean really?? I mean as you get older a lot of times unfortunately we men get this attrocity from the heavens put down upon us.And it sucks.

I mean unless you work out like a fiend doing 900 push ups a day and stuff and staying on top of it...eventually theres a pretty damn good chance your gonna get man boobs.



I mean look,I know women have it rough with whole pregnancy thing and the whole PMS/Period stuff...but shit this man boob thing is the pits!! I mean really!! Why do we have to deal with these things??!! We dont give birth nor feed children milk via these things (thank God!!) and they sure as hell dont look as good on us as they do on you women folk...so I'm figuring the Great Creator dropped the ball on this.Their just useless.Its like women with mustaches...they arent supposed to have them...but women at least have the options to either bleach them out or wax them and totally remove them...but you cant do that with frickin man boobs!! Granted you can have a surgery,but that mess is ridiculously expensive.

Besides,how would you feel saying to your boss,"oh I need a week off for surgery"..."oh really iss anything wrong?"..."no I'm having a breast reduction."You'd just feel really stupid.Hell I'd probably lie and tell them I have to get rectal exam instead of that!!!Jeez...


Now just like woman our man boobs come in all sizes...this is not for the squeamish....no one under 18 is permitted past this line....
You have the barely hairy and not that bad man boob.This is the preferable type of man boob if your going to get stuck with them...maybe a bit more hairy...but still this you can live with...



Then there is the hairy,but a little bit bigger man boobs that are dangerously close to giving the individual cleavage...this is still ehhh ok...





This is the "I'm NEVER taking my shirt off around other people look"...



Then there is a sight that I wish I had not come across this afternoon....



Dude,thats just F'd UP!!!





If you cant tell,I'm at work still,but unlike last post I'm a bit bored.... Just wanted to get a bit off my chest (ha!!)...man boobs suck!!!